I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
