I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
