I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
