Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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