The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
