Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
