The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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