i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
