I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
