No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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