Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
