I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
