when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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