why didn't you poke me back
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize