That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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