I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
babies were throwing up all over the place
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
we should paint friendship bongs
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
