My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Pooping to opera.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
