I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
