She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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