You can't special order awesome
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
