My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
