When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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