Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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