U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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