I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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