I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
