Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
