You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
