I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
