oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
