a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
