I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
