Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
