Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
