I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
