we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
