that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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