i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
