You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
