she was so not down for the gang bang
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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