Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
