I hope mine doesn't look like that
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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