I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
