if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
