My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
