Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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