She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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