Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
