I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
