Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
