Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i was born a porn star she said
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
