My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
