Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
