Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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