Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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