I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
