im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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