If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
