someone threw a dead crab at me
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
