My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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