Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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