Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
