Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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