If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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