who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
