had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
