My friends, they love my intelligence
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
