oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
