What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
