How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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